Saturday, December 3, 2011

Top 5 Reasons to Express Yourself Artistically

5. Money

 You have the talent, your hands are golden, your style is impeccable, people like your hair. Okay, but great art takes a lot of time and effort and psychologically drains you. And that’s not a whole bunch of dandy. How about mass-producing 20+ paintings a day, like a possessed printing machine? And then enjoying when people still think your art is beyond great? You just took a different approach. You just went into another direction. Clearly and obviously you are now progressive and contemporary and original. As far as their fat wallets know.

You don't get rich writing science fiction. If you want to get rich, you stART a religion.



4. Testosterone overload

 You could go and beat up someone. Weaker, of course. You could go to a gym and pump some iron and look awesome in your magenta leotard. But you decide to pass on that and brush-slap the bejeezus out of that canvas that’s been provoking you from the corner of your shady den. You decide to punish that piece of marble, which you’ve been using as a laptop stand for too long, with your ebay’ed Mjolnir. You decide to carve that piece of wood that laymen call a dining table with your enchanted +2 katana. That’s nice. Just be sure to have a medikit handy. Or just bleed across the canvas. People appreciate and admire true passion.

This...is...spARTa!


3. Pain

 The worst thing about pain, according to some obscure schools of philosophy, is that it hurts. Luckily, art has an amazing therapeutic effect. Inhaling paint fumes has proven to be a great ache suppressant, while also being (in medical terminology) groovy. Squeezing and stroking the clay with your fingers eases the tension of your sore muscles. And by clay we do mean clay. Chiseling a piece of stone has a soothing effect on your nervous and auditory systems, similarly to classical music like Cradle of Filth. What about genital pain? Well, you be the (stroke) artist.

I don't deserve this award, but I have ARThritis and I don't deserve that either.


2. Drunken stupor

 Did you hear the one about a sober artist? Me neither. Art has a funny characteristic of presenting itself to its author as being much more genius when the aforementioned author is heavily intoxicated. That’s one of life’s little miracles. Not so funny thing is that when you sober up, your creation doesn’t look so awesome anymore. Luckily, artists came up with a brilliant solution: not sobering up. Ever. Reality is overrated anyway.
When you invite the whole world to your pARTy, inevitably someone pees in the beer.

1. Piss people off

 It’s not that every true artist hates people, it’s just that he doesn’t like them. A lot. Or at all. Anyway, those intolerable fools deserve to be taught a lesson. A lesson of tolerance. There are numerous weapons at your disposal. You just need to know the irritation domain of your potential piss-offees. Bodily fluids splatted on the canvas? Check. Religious characters ridiculed and desecrated? Check. High-pitched noise constantly wailing from your ├╝ber-progressive installation? Check. Sodomy, child abuse, racism? Check, check, check. It’s better to be despised than unheard of.
I tell you, we are here on eARTh to fART around, and don't let anybody tell you different.